Pernicious

per•ni•cious (adjective)

having harmful effects, especially in a gradual or subtle way

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Tim,
when I read your last post about being normal, I was worried if too many pernicious things had cropped up in your life. I can't say I "know" how you feel, but I can empathize and sypathize with your predicament. I know I have a few of them myself. They can be big things, like self-inflicted guilt trips. Or they can be little things, like an addiction to Facebook. I deal with both of those things on and off. But that's part of being human.

The human condition is that state where we are constantly in a state of imperfection and unfulfilled desire. This condition is defined by suffering, both little and big. We suffer under the oppression of others, under the judgment of others, and worst of all, under the oppression and judgment we inflict on ourselves. We beat ourselves up over not being perfect and visualize and fantasize ideals that are so impractical that we will never see them in fruition in this lifetime. I believe that this is where a lot of our boredom and dissatisfaction comes from in our modern world.

We watch TV, see movies, and play videogames where the ideal is to have that perfect group of friends, the ideal partner, to one day get that perfect job that never feels like work. Fantasy takes this one step further as we lose ourselves in non-existent worlds where limitations our thrown off and our normal everyday issues are put aside for romantic battles against over-the-top villains and monsters.

Don't get me wrong, I love fantasy and Sci-fi. But I've seen the way it affects people and the pernicious effect it has one someone's view of what the "real" world should be like. It's not like people walk around going, "Man if only I had a lightsaber," or "All my problems would be solved if I could use a magic wand," or "My life would be so much better if I lived on a different planet". Well, some do.
But when we attach our notions of how people should act to the characters we see and read about in fiction, we lose the essential part of being human that every artist strives to fully capture, but ultimately fails every time. I know this because it's something I dealt with a lot. I spent so much of my adolescent life indoors watching screens. I got so used to living my life with so little interaction with others other than my friends and family that it became harder and harder for me to reach out to people. Alone time is a good thing, absolutely. God has given us solitude as a gift to relax, re-energize, and think deep thoughts. But this can also be pernicious like anything in excess.

There is some je ne sais quoi about being human that cannot be beat by any of our own human inventions. God has given us a form of life and existence that amazingly special that cannot be reproduced.

Right now, it's still a struggle to force myself to get my papers done, to study for things, to go interact with people I don't know very well, and to run Youth Drop-In every week. But I want to keep working at becoming a better person and improving the lives of those around me just as much as I want to improve my own life.

I'm not saying this is your own struggle, because I know you have a lot of other very different things on your mind right now. I know that because of the time of year, as you said, things are tough, but I just want to do whatever I can to help you get through it. Now is the time of year that can be stressful for a lot of people. There's papers and exams and all types of crazy stuff piling up. I've talked to a few people today who are having unforeseen crisis back home. These things happen and we all suffer in different, but no less significant ways. Don't add on to your suffering with more suffering. Don't beat yourself up and don't be afraid to do things and talk to people that you never have before. I'll pray for you Tim!

Don't forget to be Tim!

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On another note, I got an A+ on my History Midterm! And my Shakespeare Prof said that presentation that B and I were apart of was the best rendition of Antony and Cleopatra she had ever seen! Also, my RA got an Apartment Rep position and he, I, and two other guys get first pick of apartments for next year! We went scouting in the apartments and talked to Spencer in the middle of his dinner about the best picks. We're still debating, but we're probably going to take the one that had a renovation done on the shower and has a bush in front of the window so we can spy on people but still get some privacy.

We'll see soon enough!

-Clayton